So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
