told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
