Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize