no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
