The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
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