I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
It's not a walk of shame if you run
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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