how can u be prego again
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The best revenge is premature balding
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
