I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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