stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
