Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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