Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize
