his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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