i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
