Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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