i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
