The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
