my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize