I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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