you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
