She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
