I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Randomize