thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
