I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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