Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
