I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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