I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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