life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
