If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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