I wish I could teleport
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
