Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
