we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
