wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize