Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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