I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
