Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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