when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
