This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
