just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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