He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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