i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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