you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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