i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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