He uses pillows to masturbate.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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