I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
