I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
