Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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