so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
