I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
