I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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