I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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