My Higher Power is John Stamos
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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