oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize