mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
