I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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