Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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