If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize