That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
