i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
