We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
