I wish I could teleport
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
