you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
