You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
