my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
