mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
