Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
